Tar livet slut vid 40, och vad innebär det att vara lyckad?

Nu är man snart där. Ja. Förti alltså. Här sitter jag i min lägenhet. Ingen man. Inga barn. Jag kan inte låta bli att fråga mig själv: Hur är man när man är lyckad? Måste man följa nån speciell mall? Blir man lycklig av bebisen? Blir man lycklig av den där designade Marimekkogardinen? Eller slutar man till slut prata med varandra, förutom när man diskuterar färgkoder till väggarna som ska målas?

Jag vet inte längre om jag längtar till det livet. Man följer en trappa och klättrar upp för den, för det har liksom alla andra gjort. Men måste man? Nä, så klart inte. Men kan man finna sann lycka i sig själv, i det man faktiskt har här och nu, och - ännu viktigare - nöja sig med det?

Jag konstaterar snabbt att jag är tacksam för att jag är frisk, att mina föräldrar är friska och att jag har en massa underbara vänner. Jag är tacksam för att jag har en inre drivkraft som gör att jag inte bara lägger mig ner och väntar på att livet ska komma till mig. Jag går ut och tar för mig. Ensam, om det så krävs.

Vad innebär det att vara lyckad då? Egentigen är det ju väldigt individuellt - men tror att de flesta slänger sig in i nästa fas bara för att det är en smidig mall, ungefär som när man skapar sin bloggsida, det finns något färdigt att fortsätta till. Nytänket, att gå ifrån allt det där, är jobbigare. Känner du att du har det du vill ha, just nu? Kanske sitter du där i ditt egendesignade hem, med din man och dina två barn. Du borde vara lycklig men det är något som saknas. Något känns bara tomt.

Inte vet jag. Men för min del börjar det bli mer och mer uppenbart att det inte finns något facit. Vill man bo själv och njuta av sitt liv utan att följa den där mallen, kan det nog bli minst lika bra ändå, även att jag inte riktigt är överrens med mig själv ännu. Träffar man Mr Right så gör man.

And another

The song we filmed before the previous one. A bit better I think.

Last Day Impressions

Last day. Last morning. Last eggs. Last goodbyes.
I've had an amazing time here. People have made me feel very welcome and special. I owe alot to Tom for that. I've been dancing loads - 9 nights in total. I've probably gotten more experienced on the dance floor even if last nights dancing didn't show the results I was after. Sure important to take the steps, but right now, I'll work on trying to mirror what the guy is doing. I don't really want to go home, but I guess I'm going to have to. I like my life back home too, and it's going to be great to see my friends again.

Last dance with Mr Tom

Last night of dancing. I had loads of fun dances, and the music was nice, and choppy, albeit a bit too much of the same thing. Danced with all kinds of people including four dances with Tom which is alot. He's been telling me earlier to try to be more upright and I'm working on that, and also taking smaller steps than before. But then today, things didn't turn out the way I had plannned, First, I hit him on the nose with my elbow. How embarrassing. Then, we filmed one song and I'm focused on doing my triple steps like I've been told by everybody. After the dance he says: Do you want an evaluation of your dancing? Yeah of course I did. He said: "Are you aware of how much you move" "You move so much you're making me exhausted and you're using up all your energy". I realized then, that I'm just doing the step at all costs, at all times, and I'm not mirroring the guy, at least not here. I want to be able to follow everybody, not just Swedes, and not just Swedes in my own dance community. We all speak different dialects, and I can understand and speak my own, but clearly not everyone else's. Yet. There are alot of things that have improved though, but hell, I'm kinda pissed off right now, and I'm going to get those things fixed. Crap ending. Again. Well, I'm gonna fix that too.

I danced with this guy!

I've been dancing quite alot with a guy who is just here visiting. The one who is travelling the country in his mobile home that I told you about? I found a clip at Larry's of him doing the ProAms with Carla! He'll be there tonight too, I think.

Elan and Cheesecake Factory

I should have bought the cheesecake itself, NOT the popcorn shrimp! Oh well. Another time. Today after classes at Elan we went to Cheesecake Factory to eat, and then Tom drove me home. We talked alot today, and it was really really great. Earlier in the day I'd had brunch with Larry and Bob, and afterwards I spent alot of time talking to Bob about dancing, while Larry was watching his football game.

Spent the day with Tom, finished off with The Boilermakers

Tom asked if I wanted to hang out for a bit, so I took the Metro to Vienna/Fairfax, where he lives. He picked me up after like 45 minutess, and took me to Artie's - a restaurant which serves classic American food. I had crab cakes, he had chicken club sandwich. Was very good. I got the check this time. We went home to his beautiful house, the biggest I've ever seen. The President could well live there, that's how beautiful it is. I played with Raymond, his youngest son, who is 3. Lovely kid! So cute! They were all going to their cousins to go trick-or-treating in the rain, so they dropped me off at the metro station.

Larry and I got ready to go to Glen Echo. The Boilermakers were playing. Some highlights were "Sweet Sue". Naomi Uyama was the singer. I think they were good, but the young crowd here think they're the bees knees - I think they are highly overrated. Nonetheless, I had really fun dancing tonight despite the absence of Tom & Deb. I think, however, that T&D's dances have a much more welcoming, warmer feel to them, these younger kids stand around in groups talking and/or dancing. I didn't get turned down when I asked some of them to dance, but alot of them looked at the floor and not at me. There were exceptions though which I liked.

My request

I so would love to have Tom pick his favourite three songs of all time, bring them to Elan Dance center tomorrow night, and dance them with me, and put that on tape as a memory. But without any type of instruction or feedback, just go with the music and dance, no matter what happens. I really wish that could happen.

Tom & Debra's Halloween Dance at CCB

Went to lunch with Bob Kleinpeter, who treated us. I laughed so hard. This guy is funny and can really tell some crazy stories: "I always dance with some beginners. This girl comes up to me and asks me to dance. She's all nervous and says "I'm just a beginner." Don't worry about that, I said, we've all been there. Just don't embarrass me in front of my friends". Very funny guy. Will look forward to dancing with him some more tonight and film some.

Stayed home during the afternoon and watched dance clips. Larry took me to CCB where Tom and Deb had their dance. I saw fat ladies with bare legs dressed up as cats, and other horrible things, and nobody there seemed to be able to know how to dance very much except two people or three. I danced with an older guy from Michigan. Retired, had a mobile home and escaped the colder months with his wife to other cities and they dance wherever they go. He was great!!

As the night progressed, more good dancers came in. I danced alot with a guy called Dave (not the Dave from the other day), Joe, and also Tom. Tom gave me useful feedback today and I had fun dances with him. Debra also gave me feedback. Afterwards, Tom and I went by ourselves to Metro 29 - a Diner. There were loads of people there, a Halloween Party, Anyway, we talked about everything as usual, and I had a great time. He paid for dinner which made me happy. Talked in the car too, and decided to meet up again this afternoon, ie Saturday. I'll brief on that later. Tonight, there's the Halloween dance at Glen Echo which Larry and I will go to.

Downtown DC and steakhouse dinner

Today a guy called Dave Dante who is also a dancer, took me to see some stuff downtown DC. We went to the Bureau of printing and engraving where they make the dollar bills. Then we went to the Smithsonian Museum of American History, saw the Washington monument, had lunch in a restaurant, went up in the old Postal office Pavillion building to watch the view, and finally went to Smithsonian Museum of Natural History. Would like to have seen the air and space museum, but I'll try to do that before I go.


This evening Tom took us all out to a restaurant, and I was happy about that. He really is something special. I had a Cosmopolitan and felt pretty damn content with life!

Lost Dog Café & Nick's Nightclub

Didn't have breakfast this morning. Instead, we went to the Lost Dog café and had two beers and a pizza. All the nutritients you could ever ask for! After that, I headed off for some quick shopping at the mall. Bought a pair of jeans and some high heels.


In the evening, we went to Nick's a nightclub but it's more like one of these little bars you see in American movies filled with guys in hats and country music blasting from the speakers. The dancers tonight weren't that great, to be honest. I enjoyed dancing with Dabe, Bob Kleinpeter and of course Larry too. And Dave Dante. I'm going to go into DC with him tomorrow and he's going to show me around. Hence, it's sleepy time.

Tue at Clarendon Ballroom

Wrote two nice emails this morning that made me feel really good for the rest of the day. Larry took me to his friend's kid's birthday party. Two professional dancers - Thomas and Tricia who live nearby. Their kid Jamie was adorable. Stayed for awhile, met Tricia's Swedish friend from Huddinge and her two daughters. It made me feel like I wanted to keep in touch with people from high school again. Must do that.

Fell asleep for a few hours during the day, and then I left for Clarendon Ballroom which here in Arlington. It's a great place, last time the electricity went, and today it's leaking through the ceiling (aparently has done so since forever too). Tom danced with me, and told me he wants more resistance in my frame, especially in the fast songs. He tried the skipping lindy which I've never done, the jump charleston which apparently they stole from Eric and Sylvia - and his trademark skip. I wasn't up to scratch to mirror that so quickly. Must ask him to teach me again on Friday. I feel stupid too taking up people's precious time by asking them to teach me stuff. I had three dances with him in total including the last song. Very good dancing there.

I helped them move PA system etc, and I got a ride home from Tom again. We drove around for a bit, and we stayed in the car talking again. I'm so flattered he enjoys it just as much as I do. I really am lucky to have such a great person in my life.

Monday Night at CCB

Slept late. Went on treadmill for an hour. Felt great! At 8, Bob Kleinpeter took me to the dance, and again, I was introduced by Tom, lovely lovely Tom. He's such a wonderful guy. The dance afterwards was no more than OK. Not so many good people to dance with although I had a few nice moments, the nicest being the last song of the evening: That's not my Name, by the Ting Tings. Five Fun minutes with Tom Koerner on the floor. Went out to eat after, and I reunited with Dave, a guy I met here last year. He'll probably take me out on the town on Friday. Tom drove us home, and when I arrived, it was POURING down with rain. I mean really pouring. It was interesting trying to run for the door there...

Brunch, rest and classes

Had brunch with Larry today. Walked to a quaint little place with a really nice buffet. I've told myselt to stay easy on the food over here, but it's hard on days like this. Some pancakes, maple-glazed sausages and scrambled eggs, yummy! I stayed on in town and did some shopping. Rested for most of the afternoon, and then Larry gave me a ride to Elan dance center, where I took a Charleston class with Tom. He kept telling them stories of how we started talking on Skype. I learned a few new moves: Swedish S-turn, Larry's move and jumping Charleston. Lovely.

After class, Tom and Debra took me to the Silver Diner. I had a Ceasar salad. Delicious. They told me their story, and how they met Fayard Nicholas for the first time. I was flattered to have them telling me all this stuff. We also talked about running a swing dance business, and I learned alot from that. Tom drove me home.

Woke up 3 am. Silly jetlag.

Glen Echo

Today was very humid. Indian summer at its best but with the additional light drizzle. The changing leaves are beautiful. I wish I had someone to share all this with right now, Larry gave me a ride into the shops and I bought some neat shirts and had a pretzel with spinach and feta for lunch. Came back home and practised some styling upstairs. I love the mirrors because you get instant feedback that way.

Went to Glen Echo with Larry. Got there at the end of Tom and Debra's class at 8.45. There were sooo many people there. I danced constantly the whole night. Dancing with Tom again was perfect. I really am a lucky girl. We danced two dances yesterday. Because it was his and Debra's dance, they were both busy working the room. I was introduced by Tom from stage, and everyone wanted to dance with me. Lucky me.

Afterwards, we had food and drinks in a Diner nearby. I had a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and some tea. John Mortenson, a dancer and a pilot, was there too. Nice guy. Funny with people you're only friends with on Facebook... :) Tom gave me a ride home and I was back around 1.30 am. Still quite jetlagged...

Arriving in DC

Dancing on Thursday was like floating on air. I think something is working now, that never worked before. Very very very cool feeling. I had to say goodbye to all my friends which was okay since I'll only be here for 12 days. But the sad part was saying goodbye to Anton who is leaving for China soon to work for six weeks, and to Olle and Johan who are leaving for Egypt the day I return. I didn't go to bed at all on Thursday, just stayed up all night and packed.

The trip here was okay apart from a 1,5 hour delay from Kastrup, which meant we had to run through Shiphol (it's huge) with lugggage. I didn't think I could run, but I think I'm going to have to thank lindy hop with greater over-all fitness.

Arrived at 6 ish pm. Larry picked me up at the airport. When we got back Larry gave me two really good beers, from microbreweries around here. Made me a bit tipsy. Danced some with Larry, then watched loads of Lindy clips with him upstairs where he has turned the house into a dance studio.

Went to be at ten - woke up at five. PHew. Today's plan: excersise on treadmill, relax and tonight, meet Tom and Debra at Glen Echo!!

Sauna on Sövdesjön

8 degrees C in the air, and 7 in the water. 12 people on a raft-like boat which consisted of a sauna with a stove for wood in the middle. Windows on all sides. Nice autumn colours outside. Bloody wonderful. A really cool, and indeed cooling experience. I thoroughly recommend it to anyone seeking something a little different. Something even more bizarre occurred when I accidentally left all my dry underwear in the car. This resulted in me driving back to Ali's house in the robe... Funny times. :)

Sauna on a boat in Sövdesjön.

Thanks to Ali for arranging this beautiful day. We went to his place after, and made lasagna, drank some wine and talked alot.

Love,
xxx

The T-bone and the outdoors

Went to a friend's house and had a small BBQ. Olle, me, Johan Norin, Johanna and her boyfriend Carter were there. Lovely evening with some wine and really lovely food. I loved it. Pretty nice to stand outdoors too in the cold with gloves on! I really do lead a pretty nice life.

I never used to live this kind of life. It's just turned out to be something absolutely extraordinary.

Segelflyg i Landskrona

Bestämde hastigt och lustigt att jag skulle följa med Olle och flyga segelflyg idag på Landskrona Flygklubb där han är aktiv både som skolchef och smörgåstårteexpert. Fint initiativ, som jag blev väldigt glad över. Klart man måste hänga med på en sån grej. Fick tjusiga rundturen av klubbstugan och hangaren, hörde gamla-i-gemet-gubbarna sitta och prata flyghistorier, vilket fick mig att tänka på när jag var liten och det lät likadant i mitt vardagsrum. Olle visade vad de olika mätarna betydde och efter att ha krängt på sig tjusiga illblå fallskärmsmojängen var man redo att starta. Han bak. Jag fram.

Väl uppe i luften var det ingen termik alls (vart har jag hört uttrycket "light cats förrut?), vilket förvånade mig lite. Det är en känsla som är svår att beskriva. Det känns nästan lite overkligt att sitta där och sväva fram, ljudlöst och lyssna på vinden. Lite som att sitta ensam vid havet och lyssna på vågorna, fast från ovan. Men bara nästan. Man känner sig ganska liten där man sitter, men känslan är mäktig och jag kan tänka mig att när man flyger själv för första gången är det nog rätt oslagbart. Utsikten var magnifik - man såg halva världen kändes det som. (Det gjorde man naturligtvis inte, men det kändes så då). Tror vi var uppe på 1500 meters höjd, eller något sånt. Fick testa att spaka lite också, och det var jättekul! Insåg dock snabbt min talangbegränsning när Olle frågade mig om jag visste var flygfältet var någonstans och jag fick svara negativt på den frågan.


Har ni åkt berg-och-dalbana på taken av hotellen i Las Vegas nångång? Det är väl det närmsta man kan komma vad gäller det som hände sen. Som tur är har jag tre kronor på banken om jag händelsevis skulle råka bli skadeståndsskyldig till stackars Olle som nog blev döv på köpet, i nåt svagt ögonblick då man inte visste vad som var upp och ner.


Pappa Leif som har varit pilot tyckte detta var minst lika kul som jag, trots att han inte var där, och berättade att han just rotat fram sitt gamla segelflygcert inbundet i brunt linne med gult och blått band, och att det där står inskrivet: "Bergfalke".

"Släpade" mest på den tiden (tidigt 60tal)på Kronobergshed och Ålleberg...kommer väl ihåg en härlig sommardag på K-hed med över 60 starter..."

Plans and things

I've just booked a ski-trip with some of my friends. We'll go to France in February. I haven't seen a pair a skis (let alone used them) since I was...what? 13? 12? Will be interesting to see if it's like riding a bike.

I've been doing a bit of tap dancing lately. I never thought I would like it, but I'm really enjoying it alot. At least when I remember the patterns. I think I'll have to film it soon and practise a bit. I don't really have anywhere to practise right now, which is a bit of a shame. Maybe we'll get a place to hang out with our tap shoes once a week.

Other than that, life consists of gym, dance work and social life - like it should. Life is gorgous just now. I'm loving it.